Why am I limited, the world is awaiting Seeking out chances or see what fate bringS ? There is so much more for me to do But I’m fourty four not twenty two Am I too old to seek my potential To live in a new place, a new residential Will I be given, a golden key Or is all of this, just down to me I seek and try, and wish to fly I have more to do before I die I want to live well, to a ripe old age My book is not half way Not near its last page
I need to be grateful I need to say thanks I have been given this precious chance I know I am broken and needing to mend But this is the beginning it is not the end
Next week I will put your harness on and lead you out of the door You’ll try and pull and waddle out, Like a thousand times before You’ll wag your tail, and sniff that tree And peacock so passers by, will see
You love the vets, and they know you well So frequently, you’ve had to go But your body is hurting and organs slowing Our love for you just keeps on growing
This final week we will spoil you so I wish it wasn’t your time to go You always wag and want to please It breaks my heart you have to leave
We are all broken our first fur baby Your puppy antics drove me crazy You dug the lawn and chewed up shoes Destroyed the carpets before we moved
You have imprinted, on us, that’s for sure We’ll love you buds forever more
My mind has compartmentalised And I’m trying to not catastrophise
Lost within, my neurodiverse mind Reminding myself, I just need to be kind That disaster I fear lurking nearby As my minds evades, and I try not to cry
Reality is - disaster happens unexpected on a boring Thursday lunch
I recorded this recently, hair not done no make up, no preparation just record and see what happened
I saw what happened. I felt what happened Sometimes letting raw emotion lead can be daunting. When exploring Stans naturalism for example, it can release emotions that you’d prefer to keep buried. So here is my warts and all, no do over, no preparation raw footage of a poem I had recently written but not rehearsed.
Motivation lacking, my body aching My mind unpacking, I’m just not waking Life is hectic, fragmented issues Reminiscing of those, heartfelt I miss you’s My soul is pure yet somehow tainted The ghosts of the past, leave me sedated I don’t need approval but seek it still Heavy boots restricting this walk uphill I am longing for something, yearning deep Grieving for that child, for whom I still weep I’m rejecting those who are close at hand As I falter, lost footing struggling to stand That child, her soul, so broken, crushed She heard them speak in voices hushed Most years it’s fine, buried deep depths But sometimes I’m sad her needs were not met She rose, she flew, what she wanted she knew So why now an adult,is her foresight in blue?
I have not kept up to date with blogging recently, I do have some new poems to share but they sound better than they read so I may try and get them recorded.
So where to begin? This last few months have been insane with my work at school, with Eski with jewellery and the ongoing complicated needs of my dogs. The garden is a work in progress but with complicated youngest dog it is one plant in and three dug up.
So, enough about all of the above. I want to take this time to be reflective regarding the acting classes I have been taking, Initially I was on a high to be accepted into the professional class. I felt a little bit like an imposter despite my daily full immersion into the arts and my craft, I am not yet a professional actor, am I? What about initially ? I still am. It is my favourite part of the week. To be the student again.
It is a year since I graduated with my masters degree in mental health. I wanted a career change, teaching had broken me. Not the kids, not the subject but the pace at which you have to race through a week. Since graduating with my MSC I’m sure it will be useful but I can’t, just can’t leave my chosen art form. I cannot NOT be in a creative role.
This year marks 20 years since I graduated with a BA (hons) in drama. I also remember attending workshops with casting directors. I realised then in the late 90s I was not going to get a lot of work. I was short, definitely not heroin chic, crazy thick curly black hair and olive skin. I was clearly not of European decent and if my face didn’t give that away my thighs did. So I began teaching secondary drama and i did and do love it. Seeing so many of my students grow and go off into the world is inspiring and humbling.
18 months ago I began to work with Eski media, having worked before for them to support casting and also in acting roles. I realised (and I am being brutally honest) how out of date my understanding of the business was. Things have changed massively, thankfully. However, I’m nearly always the director, producer and probably every other role if it’s a school show!
I needed to step out and do something about this. I looked at short courses in London and online courses but I want to work with real people in real time. I want someone to say ‘that was shit’ but then help me be the best version of that character I can be. I then found Acting Lincs. I was a little nervous upon meeting everyone, I don’t really do the overly fake ‘luvvy’ as that council estate kid is still there within me, and doesn’t do bull shit. I was soon at ease and was is officially networking with a team that is fast becoming a family. In a way only performance and acting can. I felt home, cliche I know, I know.
Last night we had the wonderful Giles Alderson direct us. I did learn the eight page script, despite safe guarding conferences, teaching and the school prom. But without even noticing I took my script in hand to the stage! Why? Because like I tell my students, you know it! but it is a comfort blanket, Idiot mistake! I had learnt it and tried various ways, to learn it fast. I downloaded some apps, one where I had to put all the lines in order or take multiple choice quizzes on the next word worked well. So did my run throughs with my eldest (we kept our voices low as the dogs thought we were upset) I wrote the lines out, recorded them, I read and read them, on lunch breaks even when I couldn’t sleep I woke up with the script in my bed! I did flipping know them.
I have been critical of my own performances on screen as twenty years teaching stage and five years of full time training has conditioned me in a way I didn’t fully comprehend. I said I need to deprogram the ‘stage’ but I was reminded probably a wrong choice of words. I won’t ever lose that but when I want to ‘go for it’ on screen I need to bring it down not up. I knew this! I did! But I couldn’t execute it. So there I am noticeably showing my ‘hurt’ when in role and Giles said something that made little sense until it did. He said – just think it, show the thought not the emotion. Like what? How the heck do I show a thought? Have I all of a sudden got a psychic audience? Well Giles is the expert and so I give it a go. Bloody heck, that micro expression was there. It worked, it was genius. I have been using the mind set of thought on the in breath and line on the out breath. But now I realised there is that space that tiny gap before the next line when so much is communicated. The reaction to the line, internalised, small but visible. I think I may have to dig out my old copy of an actor prepares because I’m thinking that reading it in 2023 will seem a different book to the one I read way back in the 90s
This was also explained by Lisa George who plays Beth in Coronation Street. Getting to work with her and gain invaluable insight was yet another fantastic evening with Acting Lincs. If I ever get a role on Corrie il know what they mean when they say stand near the sausage. So much insight and experiences humbly shared. What a brilliant lady. Lisa is everything I’d like to think I’d be when I eventually get a break
A privilege to work with Lisa
There is some incredible talent here in Grimsby. I still on a high at being seen as a part of it. Thank you Lee, Giles and the members of our newly emerging creative powerhouse of a family.
Below are a few highlights from the past six months.
Acting Class 24th June 2023 Trying to bring the gobby kid back! Figured the earrings may help (secretly love them much to my children’s disgust)Recent school trip to see I love you Mum, I promise I won’t die. Further reading, I loved this book. Still making jewellery. Using my notebook a student got me. I love it. Seeing some of my students on the big screen following a successful casting with Eski Media. We filmed on a cold January day. It was a Saturday and I genuinely thought there isn’t anywhere else I would rather be! Teaching stage positioning and lighting with this stage in a box. It’s like Lego for the theatre kids!Seeing one of best mates doing what only he can with sound as one of our student bands perform for the Coronation. I don’t teach them music but had to support them- fabulous kids. On a shoot! My two jobs spectacularly colliding this was a fantastic few days filming and a brilliant short film to be used in PSHE lessons across the country. It was cold but brilliant. The Power of Know a fabulous campaign by NE Lincs council Starting the year with cocktails as my clever artist turned 18. She’s got a promising future ahead of her in the arts. Great night, I took her for cocktails with my eldest and sister in law. Her dad took her shooting pigeons of the clay variety.
So that concludes the first six months of the year. Our best friends got married (after a spontaneous meet at my house last year) couple more weddings, a production of We Will Rock You, Several short films, one half written script on county lines. Dog vet visits, gardening, jewellery making, theatre visits family, friends and what a brilliant first half to 2023 or has been. Roll on the next…
Kelly Isaac 