Edited
Like a ball of yarn tangled a mass
Outside in, like a looking glass
Like a raging storm and lost at sea
Confused, i know it’s not because of me
Like a sunlight stroll in midsummer dew
Those days were short if I only knew
The suns bright rays highlight perfection
As the bitter winds sting, with rejection
The seasons roll on, on their merry way
We count down, and wish days away
But once their gone and hindsight appears
We wished, away those precious years
Mayday - my mind has fractured again
Mayday - it’s raging through, my body in pain
Mayday - cortisol levels are soaring high
Fight, flight freeze or fly
I choose to fly
My anxiety abates, and I resume normal duty
My anxiety is bad but it does not define me
Maybe it is a blessing
maybe a gift
Empathy for others, my mind is adrift
I will harness this
Palpitations, hands clammy, I feel surreal
Shaking, unnerved, nauseous, unreal
The feeling is similar to excitement - I know
At a crossroads I don’t know which was to go
It isn’t much if a choice
No matter the direction the fear lives on
No matter the direction hope is not gone
The direction you choose does not define you
It’s not win or lose, but what do I do?
I chose to win
Like a roller coaster but never knowing when the rides gonna start
Like a ghost train scared fear will tear you apart
Like a waltzer that leaves you sick to your core
A pirate ship not anchored as through air you soar
I choose the wrist band
With a wristband I know how the rides make me feel
Yet with a wristband I look down high up on this big wheel.
I own these feelings, I own the adventure
I accept this journey and consider the answer
Let’s face it, like a hurricane you cannot control it
But you can watch the weather and work out best fit
You can buy a bunker and prepare for disaster
But not to move in for you’d be submitting
not trying to master
Own the safe space, watch out for bad weather
Live free, lose the fear, remove perceived tethers
Soar high fall safe; fly high be free
Like you anxiety, will not define me
I was 16 when I experienced my first panic attack, I’d been to a club, underage and genuinely believed my drink had been spiked. My family believed I’d taken something but drugs were never something I’d been interested in. The panic attacks came and went over the next few days and eventually the doctor prescribed me temazepam. It was the 90s and it was stigmatised. My Nan said with shame and distain ‘don’t you get telling anyone you’ll end up in the nut house’ what I hadn’t disclosed was I was also bulimic. I started counselling but it didn’t really help.
My 20s I was emotionally much stronger and didn’t experience too much anxiety, but following my brothers murder, it was like the training wheels had fallen off and I was open to falling at anytime. Over the years I have had times I have been so anxiety stricken I’d lay on the floor in a cold sweat with heart rate at 160+
These days, I accept o have anxiety. I just breath through it, perhaps take to my bed and pray but it is what it is. I have the remedy to live with anxiety – choice and resilience. It doesn’t define me. Funny once I took this mind set I manage the anxiety, it doesn’t manage me.
The anger within
It bubbled and screamed and pierced my dreams
This anger that burned within
The hate and injustice
Remembering the last kiss
How can a feeling be a sin?
Time seemed to freeze as I fell to my knees
And screamed for god to help me
I felt surrounded my mind still was clouded
no context, that I could see
My family in pieces, and time hadn’t eased it
As the anniversaries crept on by
I continued to search, and ask, why, us, god, why?
I wanted to feel this raw anger and pain
I didn’t realise i had nothing to gain
For to move on, meant letting go
How could I forgive this, a brother I missed
Please Lord let me know ?
Eventually I heard him, he’d never been quiet
Just my human instinct was, to not listen, to fight it
I quietly prayed to not be short sighted
For my broken heart to push on
Like a melody missing from song
or a boat without a sail,
my fragmented mind wanted to fail How could I forgive the ones who did this ?
They took my brother I so deeply missed
It was time to unwrap myself from the bondage of hate, anger and fear
only then I felt his presence draw near
I realised it wasn’t for them I forgave
but for me, to have more better days
For me to not be hate consumed
that this hate had me fully entombed
Finally I have been completely set free
And living for him, as well as for me
For my forgiveness was never about betraying our Chris, but to celebrate his life and knowing he’s missed, to remember him as he’d want to be.
For forgiveness was never about them but me.
Today marks fifteen years since we got a call that changed our lives. I have spoken of it before but as all things, as time passes, our position shifts, our perspective changes. In a sense as time distances you from an event it gives you more depth. I imagine it as getting higher and higher and so we can see more, looking down we can see the hypothetical bigger picture.
So, 15 years ago I believe I was psychic! Seriously I cannot explain it but I pulled my last ‘sickie’ but what was strange is this. My husband was on the last day of being off work due to a foot issue. I awoke with the alarm and sat up in my bedroom. I can still see now the sun coming through the cheap thin curtains on what was an unseasonably warm February. The cross trainer casting shadows across the room. I said to my husband ‘I am not going to work today’ he sat up and asked why? Are you ill? No I said, but I will be later. This took him by surprise and he got our little three year old ready for nursery and took her. I got up and went on the cross trainer- trying to get rid of the pent up nervous energy I had awoken with. I have always been anxious but this morning I was just sensing something.
An hour or so later my dad called. In a ‘trying to be calm voice told me someone had attacked Christopher. Urgh? I replied confused for a number of reasons firstly Christopher? I hadn’t heard him called that since he was causing mischief in his ninja turtles jumper aged about seven. Secondly why was he calling me ? He hated the phone only mum ever called me on the phone. He considered what he had said and calmly but again not, said someone has tied arrr Chris up and beat him up. Oh, I’m coming I replied- I paused waiting for him to say either wait until he is home or to tell me what time visiting hours were. He did eventually reply and said yes I had best to come soon and told me at the moment he was having scans and at Lincoln ICU. He apologised for calling me at work and hung up.
I kinda screamed in a deep earthy way, fell to the floor and grabbed a pair of jeans out of the wash pile. My husband came to see what was happening and my next real memory is driving out of Grimsby and then the next memory being at the reception at Lincoln hospital A and E. I can’t remember the drive and I don’t remember Gareth making childcare arrangements.
On arrival at A and E the receptionist knew who I was speaking about and took us up to the ICU , where a police officer took us into the room to explain he was ‘very very poorly’ I refused to give up hope. never fully grasping the magnitude of the situation at the same time totally grasping it, I guess in hindsight i was in denial.
I could detail the next 48 hours, sometimes I speak of these moments the ones I lock up and keep forced to the back of my consciousness. I remember not coping with the magnitude of it all, I remember being in the family room and mum putting a duvet over a sofa bed with myself and two sister wedged in. I remember my dad saying his tooth felt fuzzy as we drank terrible coffee out of polystyrene cups at 4 am in an empty hospital waiting room. I remember by the time I drank my coffee his tooth had fell out (he lost several over the next few days, the doctors said severe stress can do that)
I didn’t cope particularly well with any of it. I was a mum of two, married, a teacher but still in my 20s and not equipped with the resilience I was in need of, i just wanted to escape my body. I couldn’t cope with the immense trauma in which my brain was trying to process. However, no matter the depth of my own grief and despair, my younger sisters too were in turmoil. My mum and dad just lost and at a loss flipping between panic and anger, confusion and unimaginable myriad of negative emotions. Then the women who had been by my brothers side for years. They were still young themselves in their early to mid 20s. A young women who was trying to make sense of the fact her fiancé had been so badly attacked the police had launched a ‘homicide investigation’ who was expecting their first child in a few months times and who had left their home that morning not knowing she’d never live there again. For whatever I was feeling I felt it paled in comparison.
These are some of the key moments of that day I remember. I speak of this in terms of emotion. I could write about his bruised body and the images etched into memory but today I reflect on the emotional impact and subsequent ‘recovery’ although I don’t think recovery is quite the right word.
As those days passed and we took up refuge at the hospital (it may have been unseasonably warm but trying to sleep in a car in February is cold) I hadn’t showered and remember going to Tesco for a change of clothes. In the years that passed I found some cards and messages I had received from friends I’d been at uni with but if you’d asked me at the time I don’t think I remembered getting them.
I can only write of my own experience as we all experienced the same tragedy but in some ways it may have been easier for me. As I lived away. The news caught onto the story, the police were brilliant, my school colleagues were brilliant my church family were brilliant but at the time I was just trying to get through each passing hour a breath at a time. To stop that rising feeling of wanting to escape my own self. Not in a self harm way but in a ‘these feelings are so intense they will break me’
In the years that followed it did get easier in that way but the pain and confusion remained.
I have been dreading the 15 year mark as of today one of his murderers can apply to be paroled on licence. I was scared of how I would feel. The truth is I don’t, I don’t feel anything because I made a decision to forgive. That sounds so simple doesn’t it? Like I just thought it and it happened. Well, actually it took about four years of talking therapy intense prayer, and really working on the want to forgive (I didn’t) eventually when it happened and I had forgiven – now don’t get me wrong I am still hurt and angry and I am still never going to forget. I forgave because I had to, I had to for my own self, I had to forgive so that I could begin to heal. I had to forgive so that I was not consumed with hate. I also had to forgive as it’s what is asked of us by Jesus. To begin to rebuild my relationship with Christ I had to forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us. As a pupil at Bowbridge Road school in the 80s our head teacher changed the word trespass to sin which actually translates better but I have always recited the Lord’s Prayer with that wording, so yes 15 years later I don’t care if LS is released from prison. He has committed the worst of crimes he took another life. So many lives broken through the actions of that terrible morning. What good can come of holding so much anger and hate? It won’t do me any good and so I let go of that and through forgiveness of others I have been released from the worst emotional traumatic bondage.
I will never forget, i will never forget that little brother of mine who had the biggest smile.
In only a few weeks we’ve had more political upheaval than at any time in my life. I am genuinely worried about our country and the US as it all seems to be a mix of Handmaids tale and hunger games with a little bit of benny hill thrown in.
That said my life is just as chaotic, when we throw together three dogs – with varying but specific needs, three kids, two jobs and a side emerging business . I am nearing the end of two weeks off work and I had been looking forward to it for so long. I painted, I made jewellery, I started getting ready for craft fairs.
Things are going to get even busier with the two combined jobs- I don’t seem to get a full day where I am I not doing something work related- that is on me but I do need to pencil out a day a week on the calendar. So may have to take my own and my daughters advise.
The reality is – I did do some painting and loved it, I didn’t get any books read, I did chase our puppy, remove things from his mouth, get up at stupid o clock every morning. Clear away the constant trail of mess- this puppy thinks the postman comes each day to deliver him boxes to shred, which I let him go to town on them as there was no harm other than to the heavy duty use the dyson gets. In addition to older boy needing an op and just the general pace of our home.
Golden retriever puppies! They are the cutest, funniest goofiest lovable gentle souls. Who can leave one heck of a path of destruction in his wake.
I did want to write a post about self care but I edited a poster to make it more relevant to dog mums – particularity those with puppies
It’s real, I think social media has made it worse but there is definitely a fear of missing out doing the rounds. I think it’s a natural reaction at times. A party or holiday and we want to be there, we don’t want to miss anything and we want to be with the people we are seeing on social media all smiling and clinking glasses.
However, I think there is a shadow side of this. One that leaves us feeling, unsettled and yes we may want to have six different social engagements a week but the reality is with work and life – what is it we are going to miss out on when we can be in three places at once. Perhaps that coffee with friends would be lovely but so is a lazy morning, at home with no agenda. This is where the real FOMO should be. Missing out with our family should be something we are bothered about. As the children grow quickly, the pets don’t live as long as we do and we only have so much time we can give. So perhaps, when we look at the insta pictures and think ‘I need to be more sociable’ we should reframe our thoughts too I didn’t miss out. I was at home speaking with the teenagers about the latest show they’re watching or seeing what Minecraft buildings the eight year old has built. Perhaps we should hide under a duvet and read a book or just lay on the sofa with the dogs telling them how much we love them.
If we are at home with the most precious beings in our lives – what are we afraid of actually missing over a coffee?
I now accept, I like a blank diary. I don’t like too many social commitments and I am perfectly happy to sit in my pjs, potter the garden, talk to the dogs and admit that I really don’t get tik tok/ Minecraft or whatever it is the kids are in to.
That it is not wasted time if we are resting. It is not missed opportunities if we decide to paint a picture despite not being particularly good at it. Sometimes for the most content and happy lives we just need to be happy to just be. To find contentment in the everyday.
I am usually so upbeat and pragmatic. I may get vocal on politics but I make no apology for it. One thing I have been vocal about is mental health and as you can read from many of mh posts, I speak of no shame, to seek help, it’s okay. However, when you are in that slump it’s not that easy.
I very often will tell people I have had a blip after the fact. No one who knew me would say I struggle with depression. ADHD and anxiety co exist causing me to be up and down like the proverbial yo-yo.
I’m exhausted as the school holidays begin to draw to a close but not because I have done anything exhausting. In fact it’s been sedate for the majority of August.
So, il say for the first time, during the moment I’m struggling right now. No one can help, I need to snap myself out of it!!! Now I’d never tell anyone to snap themselves out of it because it’s not easy but I know I need to find the motivation to get up and go! It’s too easy to just stop doing anything. Tonight I should be at a dear friends 60th and I have become that flakey friend who bails at the last minute. Partly as I don’t want to leave the dogs/ have the middle child walk home alone and leave one home alone but partly because I am anxious, I am exhausted and I feel so low.
Why? Who knows I do think it’s peri menopause related. It could also be down to the fact that I’m trying to reduce the anti depressants I have been on since my Brothers murder in 2008. It may be my routine is all out of sync and the cost of living crisis is hitting us all, or it could be going back to school which I always get anxious about. That and a puppy leaving me sleep deprived. Perhaps it’s all these things, perhaps none of them.
I do know, il be okay in a little while. I do know I am safe to tell my family how I feel and know they can’t do anything (cleaning the house would be helpful but we are talking help not miracles)
I also know now, THAT IT IS OKAY we all have these blips. We all have mental health and sometimes it’s not good and sometimes it is. so I can sit back allow one more day if wallowing before I force myself up and out, before I eat properly and not exist on tea and biscuits and before I make contact with friends and family as I have fallen off the radar again.
Why am I wearing my heart on my sleeve so much more candidly and personally than I would normally? It’s not for attention! I’m a performer I know how to get attention id be at that party tonight and join in with the band! No it’s because I want people who perhaps searched this topic to be reassured. We do all have these days. The choice we have to make is to continue to be kind to ourselves. Acknowledging we struggle is the first step. The second putting in place the things that makes us happy. The third – Even if they don’t seem tempting at the time a decent meal, walk and meeting up with friends is what we may need even though hiding under a duvet is easier.
I’m not judging! I’m sat drinking tea hiding under a duvet writing this. I am pushing myself to publish!! I’m tempted to not it’s scary being so open but it’s also real.
Finally think about what’s been achieved each day no matter how small.
Kelly Isaac 